The Roach’s guide to alternative
careers
By The Roach
Inhaled
enough starch… Know the three different flavors printer
toners come in… Clothing and postage bill is higher than
tuition bill this term… You miss your whiskers, your jeans
and your trainers… You wish you had OD’d on something
which was more fun than recruitment… Thinking about the
easy way out…
We present the Roach’s guide to
Alternative careers.
1. Focus on firms that do not have
any precious metals or close relatives as part of their
names. While you are at it also avoid organizations with
names that include more than a single pronoun. Also
worth avoiding are firms that had branches in the Amazonian
rain forests or firms contesting Siberian assets in Bankruptcy
courts. The street is truly walled these days. Even if
you wrote the thesis that brought Long Term Capital down,
your chances of winning the Nobel Prize are higher than
your chances of getting that six figure, trading floor,
convertible-to-a-firm-offer-next-year position.
2. Well we have written off most
of New York. But there is a lot more to the city than
the street off Stern. For starters there is Tom’s
Diner. Did you get a chance to look at Jerry’s tax
returns for last year? If you didn’t career services has
a copy. Its not too late to enroll for that course on
creative writing at the school of journalism. With
luck you can have your own dedicated broadcast from School
Deli by end of this year.
3. If you are interested in a ‘mover
& shaker’ position this is the time to join the firm
in Redmond. Bill stepped down from the chairman’s
office the other day and they are actively looking for
a replacement. Also, given the way the trial has gone
there will be soon a lot of ‘Baby Softs’ with a large
number of ground floor opportunities. I recommend
courses on ‘the perfect memory’ and ‘when to donate your
first hundred million to charity’ so that you can strengthen
your profile for that Baby Bill position.
4. Things are also looking up in
the valley. If you have been remotely connected with technology
in any way in your prior life, now is the time to leverage
off that skill set. No, the network configuration session
that you went through in orientation doesn’t count.
For one it wasn’t a full credit course. For another
do you still remember anything besides which end of the
jack goes where. If you do what are you doing at the B
School. There is a very strong bull market in Information
Technology jobs. Don’t tell me you have been reading the
wrong newspapers again. Trade in your Journal subscription
for ‘Technology Weekly’ immediately. You can still save
on next two terms of tuition. One never knows, you
may even get a refund on the last five courses you took.
5. If you need to do one WACC calculation
before you go to sleep every day and the street is still
walled, I have something very special for you. The
world of Venture Capital… where all the money has been
flowing from our walled street, these past years.
That is where all the big boys play. However there is
a catch. In order to play you need to have either a venture
or capital. I know, if only you had capital (or knew what
you wanted to do) you wouldn’t be here at the school.
Don’t worry, there are founding members who had neither
and now have both. Then again, there are also members
who had both and now have neither. Pre-reqs for the job
include willingness to relocate to California, multiple
experiences with personal bankruptcy and the ability to
give an hour long speech on technology without using the
words1 ‘Enabling, Java, Convergence and
the Net’
6. If loosing a hundred million
in a hurry doesn’t appeal to you, you can try our
idiot’s special. The option everybody has been talking
about. Dare to do the impossible. I have it from sources
very close to my favorite British Tycoon that he is planning
to take another shot at flying without permission over
China. On his last trip he was shot down over the Pacific
when the Chinese finally realized that he had taken them
for a ride again. (If you believe the official version
of the events or the following cover up, do you also believe
that Elvis is still alive and well and studying at a top
ten B School in Grace Land?) No prior experience
in hot air ballooning is required. Just an intense desire
to rub the Chinese Government the wrong way. You
even get a free transatlantic flight, a pair of neon colored
socks, a free dip in the warm waters of the Pacific, free
coverage on the BBC and a 100% genuine Royal Marine rescue.
7. Next Week… The Roach’s guide
to ‘converting your summer position to a firm offer next
year.’
The author takes no responsibility
for the views expressed in the above article. Although
the view expressed are his own he has no intentions of
standing by them.
1. Or derivatives thereof.
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