Dear
Mom and Dad
By
The Roach
Dear Mom & Dad
Hi. I am studying in the wrong
school. Took me a while to figure this out but I
would have been better off as a lawyer. It
hit me tonight during one of my many fruitless group discussions
(GD). I would have specialized in case law dealing
with justifiable homicide under extenuating circumstances.
Given the way things are right now I would have been my
first client. Followed by a long list of cluster-mates
and business school students from all over the globe.
I would never go to bed hungry and
my cell phone would never stop ringing. I would
be hotter than Viagra (or Cigars – take your pick), the
Phantom Menace and Gwyenth Paltrow combined. All across
the universe B-School students would feel comfortable
issuing contracts on their group partners (GP), knowing
that they could always turn to me if (and when) they got
into trouble. Group members (GM) would think twice before
debating (for hours) the relative merits/demerits of printing
portrait or landscape. Student would be more productive
now since one phone call would take care of the twenty
idiots (for lack of a stronger printable word) pulling
them down in their five courses. Not to mention
the beneficial effect the phone call will have on the
class curve, the class size, space at happy hour and registration
for Economics of Strategic Behavior.
As for professors --- they would
spend more time researching the fit between group partners
than esoteric concepts within their subjects. Which
would result in dramatic improvements in student mortality
and comprehension. Orientation would be replaced
by week-long intense therapy sessions focusing on violence
within the class room. Reservoir Dogs, Natural Born
Killers and Pulp fiction will become part of the core
curriculum. Study tours will now visit Columbia,
Chechnya and Kosovo rather than China, Brazil and Japan.
Capital Markets will be replaced by a new course on ‘The
Contracts Market’. Quentin Tarantino will be named
as the new Dean of the Business School. The Rankings will
have another column in 2000; student mortality, right
next to the selection rates.
I will be hailed as the hero responsible
for eradicating the nuisance of random group assignments.
The average time required for an MBA will fall from two
years to less than a year (time saved by the elimination
of group interaction.) B-School students would worship
me everywhere. I will be exempted from working within
groups for the rest of my life. I will ace all my midterms
and finals since I would forever be free from the trauma
of discussing ‘Toy world’ till three am in the morning
on the eve of my first case submission.
Within a year we will integrate vertically
and become the market maker for contracts on top ten B-School
students. We will be the only full service brokerage firm
on the international scene. ‘Name the group, name
the student, name the price’ will be our motto. Our specialization
would be
1. Providing counseling in the initial
stages of team work trauma
2. The single phone call solution
for irritating group members
3. Legal services if the FBI comes
knocking on your door
4. Protection services if a targeted
group member reverses the contract on himself.
Within a few years being a business
school student would be the most dangerous occupation
in the whole world. Twenty something would now dream
about working with the reactor core at Chernobyl rather
than sitting through the first course in finance. Forced
with falling demand, tuition would fall across the board.
Better yet, schools would now be forced to pay MBA students
hazardous pay. They would also be forced to recruit
more than a 100% of the applicants to overcome the 90%
first year mortality.
Can you imagine nobody would need
to take the GMAT or write the application essays anymore
(ETS will file for chapter eleven.) Just send in
your name and your war and health records and the school
will let you know if they think you can make it through
the next one year. The only criteria for success would
be survival now. The Navy SEALs, NSA and the
State department would replace Consulting and Investment
Banking as the main recruiters.
Let me know what you think of my
future plans. I have to finish my law school application
and subcontract a contract on my group members
Love yours
The Roach
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