-
Medical benefits provided by the company. (Why
would the company need to provide free
medical benefits unless and until you would really need
them once you started working)
-
No specified working hours or place. The company obviously
expects you to work at all times and
occasions. Chances are that your boss is a sadist cum
masochist and would stay as late as
possible just to watch you squirm under pressure.
-
Sometimes the contract refers to Office procedures. This
is a document that is shown to you only
on your first day in office after you have signed on the
dotted line and when it is already too
late.
-
Look at the health of existing graduates. Have they gained
weight, have they lost hair, have they
gotten engaged, how do their eyes look, do they have a
lot in common with zombies. I have known
companies that send their poor specimens on exam leaves,
off shore assignments or simply work
at head office at the time of hiring so that you may not
notice. But remember the smoking adds. For every good-looking
healthy, smoking stud surrounded by
good looking women I can show you myself.
-
The boss getting married. This is the most dangerous of
all signals. Stay away from any place
where there is the slightest chance of a matrimonial engagement.
Because first the boss is going to go
on pre-nuptial leave then he/she is going to go on post-nuptial
leave (honey moon for the less literary
inclined). When he/she comes back there is a good
chance that he/she may not get to office on time for the
next few weeks.
Any
guesses on that will be doing his her share of work while
he/she is not around.
-
The dreaded dress code. Ties, suits, shirts, shoes, clean
socks and underwear. Yes my dear undergrad
the time has come for you to part ways with the your old
smelly style. No jeans, no t-shirts,
no stinking sneakers. In some organizations you might
also need to shave on a regular basis
(hello Ahmed) and occasionally take a bath. Don’t
worry all this means is that you would
probably need to get up at least two hours earlier (compared
to your current routine) to reach office in time. Once
you get there you can catch up on your
sleep.
Morale
of the story
Don’t
get a job. Do your masters and delay your decision by
another two years. Better yet do a PhD and delay it by
seven years. By the time you finish your masters (or your
PhD) your classmates and friends (who were stupid enough
to get a job in the first place) would be high enough
in their organizations to be your boss. Of course if they
have already turned into sadistic, masochistic dashes
(as in censored) that is just too bad.
The
28 inch waist
All
of us have had or will have 28-inch waists at some point
in our lives. It’s just the age that is important.
For those of us who haven’t – YOU ARE GOING
TO LOOSE IT. No matter what you do, what you say, what
you eat and what you don’t it’s going to go
away one of these days. So accept it and loose it so that
the 34 inches do not envy you any more.
For
those of us who have – You think this is bad. Wait
for another few years and watch the spare wheel in the
middle grow on you. Its called age kiddo and you can’t
run away from it. Sooner or later its going to catch up
with you so accept the fact and enjoy life.
Morale of the story.
If
you have been saving that luscious banana split or that
good looking American steak for a special day go get it
new. On second thought get two of them and give me a call.
And
try not to laugh behind the backs of the FAT ex –
grads.
Friends
Something
on a more serious note. Know your friends, value them
and don’t take them for granted. Yes they are a
pain some of the time, yes they take you, your lunch,
your wallet, your assignment and your romantic interest
in life for granted but still take care of them. Because
you have no idea how much you are going to miss them.
Morale
of the story
Trust
yourself, your lunch, your wallet, But be careful with
the romantic interest.
Juniors
and related social diseases
Juniors.
Who is the young brat that is sitting in your usual point
seat? Who is the kind with the death wish making time
with your romantic interest? And finally what is the name
and phone number of that glorious dish in the canteen.
Ring any bells. Yep. We wish they went away, at least
for a short while if not permanently. But we wish in vain.
However
there is more to come. All of us graduate – (I know
some of us try otherwise but most of us manage). One of
these days you will come to your office and find out a
fresh new face sitting and working on YOUR PENTIUM PRO
–300 MHz with a GB of RAM. Or worse while you are
still stuck with your Pentium pro with a couple of megs
of RAM the new kid has his own personal Silicon Graphics
Reality Engine with a few tons of Giga Flops hanging loose.
Then if this is not enough one of these days you will
come to office and find the same fresh new fact chatting
up with your latest romantic interest in life. Or the
ultimate in all insults one of these days (God forbid
but it has happened) you will find your self-reporting
to the same not so fresh new face.
So
before you bash the kid with the death wish, or throw
him out of the speeding point, or dunk him in water on
a PICNIC, or bury him till his neck in the pile of fertilizer
remember.
Juniors
never forget and one of these days you might end up working
with or under them. You can also end up teaching them.
God have mercy on your soul.
Moral
of the story.
In
your own self-interest be kind to juniors and other dumb
animals.
Smoking
Smoking
is cool, smoking is hot, smoking make you look like a
cross between Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnon, Alec Baldwin,
Tom Hanks and Al Pacino. Evidence and personal experience
indicates.
-
Women are not that crazy about it. There are other ways
of impressing the dish in the canteen.
Also there are other more satisfying ways of making the
dish in canteen feel bad besides smoking.
Finally if smoking is the only way you think you can make
the dish in the canteen feel bad I have
news for you. Things are pretty bad for you. Might as
well forget the dish in the canteen
and look for some one else.
-
It’s not a sign of maturity. Who want’s to
look mature? A. 19 year old kid smoking looks exactly
like a 19-year-old kid smoking. Probably looks stupid
too. Research conducted to date conclusively
indicates that smoking is a definite sign of a low IQ
level.
-
Inspite of popular belief smoking has a nasty habit of
killing people. Yes you are too young
to die right now but try telling that to your kinds when
you are smoking a cigar in heaven in
the prime 30’s of your life.
-
In 20% of IT related companies and 60% of MNC in Pakistan
you are not allowed to smoke in working
premises. So if you are really addicted you might get
into trouble when you start working.
-
There are other ways of concentrating, looking cool and
having a good time than the good old
fag.
-
Peer pressure. The nerds always feel that by smoking they
will belong with the coolest, smoking
gang in the class. Remember.
-
The coolest, smoking gang in the class right now will
not be the coolest gang around five
years down the road.
-
No matter what you do, if you have-not belonged from the
beginning, you will never belong.
-
So accept yourself for what you are and save yourself
three years of low self-esteem, torment
and pity.
-
Above lecture apart the two most important reasons for
not smoking are:
-
If you thought you had bad breath wait till you smoke.
- If your parents find out they will beat the shit out
of you.
Moral of the story is.
If
you have been stupid enough to start, at least be smart
enough to stop.
Working
Now
that you are worried about smoking let me give you the
really bad news. WORKING IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.
Bet you didn’t know that. But you are really stuck.
After bellowing three years of your life and your parents
hard earned money you don’t think you can get away
by not working. Its time that you pay for all those bad
things that you have done during the past 21 years. Including
the ones no one knows about. And if you think that the
money you will make would make it worthwhile you are wrong
again.
Working
is phenomenon, which is very difficult to understand.
Some of us are lucky and don’t have to. But life
is not full of understanding project partners. In general
working involves the following process.
To
work you must have a job.
To find out more about how to get a job take a peek at
the other sections.
Once you have a job and you are really very intelligent
you can manage by not working.
The trick is to give the impression that you are working
when in fact you are not.
If you are not careful or not intelligent you can actually
end up doing work for all those intelligent and careful
people who look very busy when in fat they are not.
Things would not be so bad if the money that you made
was directly proportional to the effort that you put in.
However!
The careful and intelligent people tend to make more money
than the people who do all the work.
Morale
of the story is
If
you find yourself doing all the work check the following
conditions
Are
you a one man company
If not become a one-man company so that you save the save
the expense of paying all of those careful and intelligent
people.
Of course if you are not the boss you cannot fire the
boss. At times this is difficult to remember.
If you are not the boss, or you are doing all the work
and not making that much, or you are the boss and you
are still doing all the work, repeat that course on Natural
Intelligence. You never know you might pick up something.
Staying
in touch with Technology
Staying
in touch with technology involves more than buying a 600
MHz Pentium Pro Plus and sleeping with it. You also need
to clean it with a duster every week.
Occasionally
it also involves having the latest DOOM variant on the
hard disk. You do not have to play it. Just having the
engine up a running on your machine is a restatement to
your computer science skills.
Morale
of the story.
If
you have the money to buy the 600 MHz Pentium Pro Plus
you do not need to work or stay in touch with technology.
PICNIC
and other hazardous activities
Its
hazardous to go on a picnic if
You
are along.
You are alone and a senior.
You are alone and a junior.
You are a junior.
If you have a natural affinity to mud pies.
You have a natural affinity to juniors or their mud pie
throwing gangs.
You are a teacher
You are a teacher who just flunked a student
If you are teacher who has flunked more than one student
then you should also sign your will before going.
If you are sitting next to a teacher who has flunked more
than one student.
If you are engaged to a teacher who has flunked more than
one student.
If you are above forty and have a problem with cholesterol.
If you are just a student you do not have to worry. Buy
the time you are finished with your mandatory six picnics
you will have a problem with cholesterol.
Moral of the story is
Having
a cholesterol problem is very fashionable. It will keep
your blood pressure and sugar company when you start working.
The
other alternate is to teach and flunk students regularly
and go to picnics so that you work off the excess fat
while running for your life on the main Manora road.
Teaching
Teaching
is a golden opportunity to set all the wrongs that were
wrong while you were a student right.
Teaching also has a lot to do with satisfaction.
There
is no greater satisfaction
Than
putting a whole class to sleep instead of just a few of
them.
Than in watching whole classes do a disappearing act as
soon as your slot comes in.
Than in catching one of your students doing the bunk.
Than in seeing your past in someone else future. (So this
is what I looked like when I was cursing my teacher in
that tough final)
But best of all there is no match for the assurance that
you will not be along or bored on a picnic four years
after graduation.
Teachers
are a funny breed. And teaching is a fun profession. If
you are qualified enough then pay something back, open
up somebody’s mind, make a difference and
Teach.
and
when you do remember your days as a student.
Money
– myths and facts
Money
talks.
Yes it does. To confirm listen to Amir Zaki’s Money
Money
matters.
Don’t think other wise.
You
are too young too care about money right now.
You are never too young to care about money.
What
can you possibly do with all this money now.
There are lost of things in the world that you can do
if you have enough money like buying the 600 MHz Pentium
Pro Plus or the Silicon Graphics Reality Engine. And if
there is any left you can always contribute to my wedding
fund.
Think
long term, think career, a few thousands here and there
would not make a difference.
Thinking long term is a two way street. Don’t think
long term alone; let your boss think long term too. And
he is right about a few thousand here and there not hurting
him that much.
We offer very competitive salaries
Read as we offer salaries that help us in staying competitive
Saving
is a state of mind
Saving is a big joke. It’s also a cruel joke. With
inflation galloping at 30%, three years down the road
you would be lucky if your salary paid for your trip to
office and back home.
Some
of the best ways to blow hard earned cash are
Treat
your students to drinks when they regain consciousness
after seeing your final.
Contribute to my wedding fund.
Make a 50 page final for 60 students and get it photo-stated.
Drive to all of your classes in your air-conditioned car.
Drive to all of your students’ classes in your air-conditioned
car.
Run a free air-conditioned limousine pick and drop service
for your favourite students.
Wear your new designer jeans and t-shirt to a picnic after
flunking more than one student.
Wear your new designer jeans and t-shirt to a picnic and
sit next to a teacher who flunkd more than one student.
Invite all of your students to your wedding.
Invite all of your students to your honeymoon.
Moral
of the story is
Think
before your leap. And look for an office walking distance
from home.
The
right way of saying no
Being
able to say no is a very useful skill. And it will come
handy in places and situations you never thought possible.
Saying no involves different variation. Some of them include
doing or saying the following to the person you want to
say no to.
Simply
saying no
Drop kicking the shin and then simply saying no.
Dropping your books and your latest 600 MHz Pentium Pro
Plus, super strong, concrete reinforced, unbreakable notebook
on the offender’s foot and them simply saying no.
Asking him or her to get an A in Info and when he or she
comes back with the A after six months simply saying no.
Two
other things that need to be remembered before saying
no. First are you saying it to the right person at the
right time in the right place? All three of these factors
are very important. Person, time and place. Second there
are times when simply saying no is not enough. In such
cases you can either say yes or contact Wali for further
assistance. If you do not know who Wali is its time to
change your glasses/contacts again.
Moral
of the story is
Having
a 600 MHz Pentium Pro Note book helps you stay in touch
with technology, play the latest version of DOOM, work
(only if you want to) and say no. Don’t wait any
longer, go pick it up now.
Being
Kind to your boss
A
boss is a social animal. Some bosses are smart most of
them are not.
A
boss is always right even when he is wrong. Of course
when he is wrong he cannot be right, but try explaining
that to him.
Just
because a boss is well educated does not mean that he
knows what he is talking about. In most cases it is advisable
to remain silent even if you are aware of this fact. Bosses
never forgive or forget. That is the only thing they are
generally good at.
A
boss may be a nice person and very difficult to work with
at the same time.
What
he doesn’t know will not hurt him but will sure
as hell ruin your career. Never make mistakes along. Always
involve your boss. So that when things go wrong you can
blame him. Most of the time you will end up with the blame.
So if you have made a mistake own up now and save your
self the bother. Blaming your boss is a dangerous hobby
and leads to complication on the Annual Confidential Revenge
(ACR).
Be
kind to your boss when he is wrong, difficult, dumb and
arrogant. You will get many opportunities to get back
to him later on in your life. Always remember no matter
how bad things are you will some day get a shot back at
him. So save your treatment for the big day.
In
the same breath do not forget your subordinates. When
you feed your boss to the paper shredder remember that
now you are the BOSS and the paper shredder is still there.
On
Memories
Well
the lighter part is over. Now for the serious stuff. Four
years down the road the three smart things that I have
done so far are getting married to Fawzia, using the pseudonym
Cockroach and Teaching. It helps.
See
when you graduate you think its going to be easy. You
feel that one day you will simply walk out with your transcript
and that will be it. You would never need to look back.
Not if you are a sentimental guy like me. Because one
of these days you will come to college all alone and there
will be nobody you know sitting on the stairs, or waiting
in the canteen, or fooling around in the library. And
you can’t imagine how hard that hits till it hits.
You will see someone else sitting in your chair, studying
your course from your teacher. Someone else sitting on
your PC trying to figure out weather he was just hit by
a power spike, the PC below a fuse, the world is out to
get him, or his program just crashed and hung the machine.
The
fresh new faces that you thought volleyball among other
things, would be serious then, or gone. There would be
so many people that you wouldn’t know and although
the halls will be filled with students busy with their
routine, inside yourself, you will be along.
It
will be late if and when this comes out. As some one told
me five and a half years ago. Make the most of what you
have. Make the most of the time, the college, the people
and the company. Make the most of memories and friends
so that you are not left along in a familiar hall four
years down the road.
Best
of Luck kids, stay loose, stay hot, stay cool. And remember
me when you finally buy your 600 MHz Pentium Pro Plus/SGI
Reality Engine.
Signed
Yours
The
Roach.
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